It’s irritating to me. I feel restrained and boxed in from saying all that I want to say. It feels as if they’re all watching me, wondering what I’m going to say, what I’m going to do. And if I do something they didn’t expect me to do, they’ll be like “Did you see on tumblr what Dyllan did?” “Can you believe Dyllan did that?” I like to separate my real life from my blog life thank you very much.

Nobody texts or calls me. This is seriously true. It’s always me who has to text/call first or to ask someone what their doing. Almost never do I get a “Hey Dyllan, what are you doing/how have you been? Let’s hang out.” I get the occasional “I miss you.” But never the “Let’s hang out” or that random hello from a friend. I’m not even sure if I can call certain people my friends because it seems like they don’t make the effort to keep in contact with me. Sure, whenever I see them we exchange hi’s and hugs and those handshake hugs. But I highly doubt they really think of me other than when we meet. Maybe a handful of people I’ve met. I’m just sick, sick of always being the one to start the conversation and to suggest that we should hang out.

1) Work out at least three times a week.

I’m pretty much tired of being called a stick, or too skinny, or anorexic. Time to put some weight and muscles on my bones.

2) Get my license.

I honestly feel bad whenever I have to ask for a ride from someone to go home or to get to places. I mean sure, who doesn’t like being the passenger? But really, I want to be behind that wheel and be able to drive myself around and go by my time. Not the bus’ time and not have to feel bad about going home early, even if my ride can stay out until freaking 6 in the morning.

3) Get a job outside of school.

Really though, I’m doing this to make my dad happy. He wants me to get a side job so I can be more “responsible”. I know my skills at being responsible could be improved, but I know certainly that I don’t need to do that by getting another job. Whatever, if it will make my dad happy and convince him to finally get me a car then sure, I’ll try my best to do find one. Economy, please be on my side when I apply. Actually, wherever I apply to, please let someone quit right when I turn in my app.

4) Get straight A’s this spring semester and for fall.

I say I’m fine with just passing, but then the overachiever in me shouts out “B ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!!” This past semester, I only got one A out of four classes. I want to do way better and get a higher GPA. I know my future employer won’t really care about the grades, they’ll probably just look at how efficiently I can do the work and how capable I am, but I want to make myself happy.

5) Get a DSLR camera.

This is for pure personal gain. Not to make myself better in any way, but to acquire something materialistic. But I’ve always fancied getting one. Although I will always fancy point and shoots. I just figure now is time for a change. Nikon all the way!

6) Save up at least $600 by the end of the year.

I want to know that I have money in the bank in case of emergencies and in case of Christmas. It’s always good knowing that I don’t need to rely on my dad or a family figure for the cash flow. My first paycheck taught me what it’s like to earn your own money. It has also taught my that I need to save, although I have trouble doing that.

7) Devotions at least once a week.

This is to purely help me in my faith journey and to help me get closer to God again. I’ve been drifting away and coming back. Hopefully through this, I will be able to stay at a constant pace going towards God and not away.

This is pretty much it for now. I know I’ll come up with more later, but I’m happy with this list.

The main reason why I broke up with some of them and stopped talking to some girls was because of guilt. Guilt that I didn’t like them as much as they liked me. Guilt that I was still in love with another girl. I ended my first relationship in high school because I started to regain feelings for my first love after seeing her over winter break. My last relationship was at the end of first semester senior year and I ended it because I still had feelings for my “second love”.

During high school, it was usually guilt that caused me to break up with someone or not talk to someone. Because I still had feelings and I was still in the process of getting over that one person. I know it was pretty bad to go around and try to fill that gap, but at least I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. I always stopped myself. So I’m sorry to all the girls I broke up with or stopped talking to because of those two girls. But I’m happy to have met you and have you come into my life.

Seriously, wtf. I hate the fact that you follow me around everywhere now. I hear that you’ve cut off contact with the rest of your friends. And guess what? I saw your best friend today, and he was eyeing me out. Those 3-4 times I passed by him, coming into the food court, going to Zagu, going back to my friend, then going out of the food court, he was eyeing me out. Just straight up looking at me, giving me stink eye. Like wtf. I’ve already let go of that chain you had on me. That chain of longing for you. If you don’t want me in your life then you and your best friend shouldn’t care about me. You should brush me aside and be like whatever. Your best friend eyeing me out was a little much. It really was. You don’t know how irritated I was and how irritated I am right now thinking about it. I wanted us to be friends, but I guess not. Not from you or your best friends attitude towards me.

Maybe I have a lot more problems than I think. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. Well really, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to fix things anymore. I’m lost and I’ll keep being lost until I want to be found.

I think I’d rather have you yell at me, tell me I’m pathetic, and hit me in person. Rather than this online fighting bs. Rather than seeing posts and knowing it’s about you. It would be so much easier that way.

Honestly, I think my true nature is quite melancholy. Like I never believe I could be happy. Truly happy. I know I still have God by my side and I’m so happy when I go to church, but really, I have a sad, sad soul. I’m not sure if I’m clinically depressed or what, but this is just who I am. That happy side of me? That’s only when I’m around people. But put me by myself then oh boy, the emotions of sadness and despair just well up in me. It’s sad really, it really is.

Me being the person I am, whenever I look at my new classes, I like to look at the members in my class. And I kinda sorta facebook search them. (Don’t tell me you haven’t done this before!) And well, there’s this girl in my Anthro class, and it’s so weird! In some pictures, she looks like JFP! Of course JFP is initials, so figure it out! :p But she looks like her and in my head I’m thinking O___O cause like OH EHM! what if that’s her with a different name. But of course only I would think that, lol. Oh gosh, me and my facebook searching D:

1) I really wish I knew you’re true reasons. I can still remember the memories, all those times we went to some park, prom, all of our adventures. I remember all of it very clearly. But I’ve grown accustomed to not thinking about you. I went from thinking about you everyday, to thinking about you maybe once a week or once every other week. But when I do think about you, the memories never fail to make me happy. And I hope you’re happy as well.

2) No matter what, we’ll still be brothers. Brothers for life. I never thought any differently of you. I never had that feeling of separation from you. Right from the get go I knew we’d be tight. And I’m extremely happy that you think the same thing. Brothers till we die.

3) You’re my sister and I will always love you. Ever since 7th grade and until now, I will always consider you my sister. Just like my brother, we’ll be brother and sister until death do us part. I miss you sister. I want to see both of you again. Hopefully we’ll be able to fulfill this during winter right? I know we all would like that. I don’t think our friendship will ever change. No matter what time and distance tries to do, we’ll be brother and sister through and through.

4) How could I ever forget you? You helped to make me who I am today. Thank you for that. I love you. You know that right? I’m always here if you need some sort of support. And I’ll be keeping that promise forever.

5) You were my ex TWICE! But even though we both broke each other’s hearts, we became best friends. And that’s what I love about you. You’re one of the people in my life that I don’t see for months at a time, yet it feels like time hasn’t passed since we last saw each other. In fact, it seems like yesterday. I love that about you best.

6) Church was that one thing that brought us together. It made our friendship to what it is today. And I’m glad that I sat next to you on the bus that day. Did you know that I got jealous of you sometimes? I got jealous because when you weren’t there, everyone would ask where you were. I got jealous because even though we had mutual friends, it seemed as if they liked you better. I got jealous because it seemed as if you tried so effortlessly to be there, to be noticed. And quite frankly, I felt like I was always on the side. But you’re still one of the best friends I could ever have. So I’m thankful for that push from God, that one moment on the bus when our friendship began.

7) We’ve established this before, but I really do feel like we’re so much like each other. I can’t shake off that feeling. And quite frankly, it would be nice to converse with you, to maybe write with you. How does that sound? Me and you publishing a book and accomplishing our dreams together. That’s something I wouldn’t mind doing with you. Because it feels as if you’re my long lost brother or twin that I found along this weird road called life.

8) It seems as if you’re drifting away from all of us. Come back to us. Because I definitely miss you.

9) I really wish we grew up together. Rather than only seeing each other at family parties, but seeing each other every other weekend. Creating that strong family sense of a bond. You have a good head on your shoulders and a great heart. Don’t change alright? I know you have huge potential to do great things.

10) I like how we randomly bump into each other. Those small conversations, those small moments that we spend together. It’s nice and calming. You have that effect on you. And you also have that effect of putting a smile on someone’s face. So I’m grateful to have met you. I really am.